Her Way
by Mayblock
Summary: Bellatrix hasn't always been a character of pure evil- something lead her that way. Read through the layers of her history- tradition, family and love- to find out who she really is, what were her reasons, and what led her way.
1. Pilot

_**These characters belong to J.k Rolling...**_

 _ **Do they even do that anymore?**_

 _ **Hi,**_

 _ **I've decided to start writing fanfiction after reading the most wonderful book, "Fangirl." It inspired me to develop my writing into a different path, to experience more of the world of words.**_

 _ **I somewhat dislike the idea of turning an independent woman character into a part of a love story, but this isn't one. Bellatrix's power is that she is evil for no reason, for the sake of being evil. To me, she seemed like a character with a great potential for a story, a development. I want to assume that she wasn't always so reasonless, that something led her to her way of living.**_

 **Sirius left in the beginning of the year. Afterwards, Bellatrix couldn't recall the way she felt then. The emotion was too taking, too deep, too forceful to ever be felt again.**

 **It was desperation. She was desperate.**

 **Because now, he was gone completely.**

 **Now he will never be back.**

 **Bella could barley put all details together to look at the situation clearly. Of course, Sirius has always been a rebel, and the days in the Black house weren't easy, with his objection towards all that his family believed in. Bella herself almost never agreed with him on any subject; food, politics or books. Their family. The world of magic.**

 **He was two years younger than her, not that it ever mattered. The day he joined school she felt nothing of the emotions which took hold of her heart years later. He was only her little, boyish cousin, and she was only proud to see him sitting there with the sorting hat covering his forehead- but not he's gleaming eyes- even though they fought only the day before.**

 **"** **So, Cereal, you ready for school?" she landed heavily on the seat beside him in his family's kitchen. Her parents dropped her and Narcissa in the Black house on the last week of summer vacation, so they could get to the train with her cousin. And so they themselves could go touring in Japan.**

 **He made a face and shoved his chair back a little bit. Cereal was how his cousins and brother liked to call him to tease him. He hated it. Hated them. But back in those days, it was only sometimes that he felt hatred filling his throat whenever they were near him. "Shut up, Bella, I bet you don't even want to go back. Afraid of the ghosts, aren't you? I heard you telling Cissy last night. Or maybe it was the house-elves?"**

 **Her face darkened fiercely. "I didn't! And anyway, I bet you'll end up in Hufflepuff. They're all chubby and pink, just like** ** **you**** **."**

 **He was putting on a mocking, vain expression when his father entered the room. Gramwell Black was a handsome, terrifying man, who's face reminded Bella of stone statues, and who's eyes were somehow full of shadows, yet clear and sharp. He'd heard her last sentence and made her shudder with a stare.**

 **"** **No one in our family will ever, ever be in any way related to the house of Hufflepuff. Mark my words, Bellatrix." Every word almost caused her actual pain. "It isn't excusable to say such a thing. Go and find your sister." He laid his eyes on his son, his stare stiffening. "You are not a Black if you're a hufflepuff. That's below all standards." He crossed the room and went through the door. "Don't listen to her, Sirius, don't ever think of the hufflepuffs again."**

 **Back in her room, with her sister by her side, Bella tried to imagine the fate of Sirius if her words came true.**


	2. A Step Further

No...

Her lips mouthed the word, it was filling her head. Sirius didn't seem bothered at all. He smiled jubilantly whilst hopping off the seat, the echos of golden-crimson hurrahs ringing in the air. For him.

But she sat still, and all of a sudden she felt isolated sitting by her table. She felt isolation choking her throat, climbing her forehead, rapping itself around her, floating about her skin.

He ran to his new home.

She realized that in every step he took, she became less and less familiar to him, meaningful, a part of his life.

Now his real home was his old one.

she wasn't a part of his home any longer.

Cissy glanced at her, her eyes wide and pale. "I was so sure he'd be a Slytherin. No one in the family has ever..."

"Yea?" Bella wanted to say. "You were sure? 'Cause he never cared enough, he never wanted to be with us." Yet the words turned to air at her lips, and she hissed, "Just the perfect place for him, against us all!" Her sister's face suggested tears, so Bella closed her eyes. "The hat know what it's doing- let it be. He's family, he'll always be family."

So little in her believed those words.

He had took one step further, from home and tradition. He had no intentions of turning back,

she knew it.

How bitter the word 'no' felt on her lips... Like she could help the case. Change what happened. Like he could hear her voice and look back, reconsider, remember she was there...

"Bullshit, Bella, he wouldn't care," she snapped the thought.

He was only her little cousin these days.

Now he was something else.

Now he was... a stranger.


	3. A Black Christmas

_Hey!_

 _After I uploaded the first chapters, my dearest friend transformed into a proud granny. She created an account with a ridiculous name, and began practically stalking me around, as all best friends should do... I guess?_

 _I find it so weird that somebody unknown reads my stuff. I remember having this dream in which I ran a blog with about two subscribers, and in the dream, they meant so much to me! Now i understand it more. Obviously, the amount of the people does matter a lot, but it's mostly the fact that they...exist. That somebody somewhere takes notice._

 _Thanks._

 _BTW: This chapter is a rewriting of a piece I wrote two days ago. I considered it one of the best things I've ever written, because of the great rhythm and the way the sentences were put together._

 _And then i very stupidly and accidentally deleted it._

 _I don't find the re-writing as good as the original text, I like it too, though, and I do hope you'll enjoy..._

As the holidays approached, Bellatrix came back to life. It took the upcoming freedom to wake her up to her surroundings.

Throughout the past couple of months, She kept receiving letters from home, telling her about the Blacks' recovering. Her parent had to come back early from Japan, to take care of their shocked relatives.

The letters reported that Mrs. black had taken Sirius's turn very badly. Her yellings shook the house from basement to garret, as she stayed in her room over two days. Her husband reacted quite as badly as she did, in his own way. He spent his nights in his office, searching through old genarations books of the family, not talking to anyone during daylight except the house-elf, Kreacher.

Bella remembered how her parents acted when her other sister, Andromeda, was sorted to Gryffindor. They weren't half as bad.

She didn't really like Andromeda…

A letter from her father came a week before Christmas. it said:

"Gramwell wishes to see you all soon, he wants you all to come home."

Bella read the letter in silence. She knew that for the past months Sirius didn't get any letters from home.

"You coming home for Christmas, right?"

She had caught him in the hall before class, taking him aside.

His eyes were dark as he looked at her. "Dunno. Do they want me there?" She wondered if she imagined the quiver in his voice as he spoke, quietly.

She glanced at him sharply. "Of course they do!"

A dark haired boy, wearing glasses, popped besides them. "C'mon, Sir, Class is starting!" he grabbed Sirius's arm, dragging him away. At the doorway her cousin turned around to look at her, his face suspicious for an evidance of a lie.

"Here, Mr. Malfoy, would you like some potatoes?"

Mr. Malfoy didn't want potatoes. Instead, he took a sip from his goblet. He was a narrow faced, elegant man. "So, kids, how come you've never met?" he eyed the Black children sitting by the table, then his son.

Lucius Malfoy's face was too long, his hair the same shade and length as Cissy's. He was a Hogwarts student, a fourth year one, yet they never knew he existed. "Well, of course," thought Bella teasingly, "If I ever saw him from the back, I probably thought he was Narccisa!"

Narcissa… Her sister has been extra timid this evening. Bella barely choked a snort. "If she falls for this Malfoy, it would be so… narcissistic!"

Instead she said, "I assume we were all too busy with our lessons, sir."

Lucius glanced at her. His eyes were the colour of Gramwell's skin.

Brrr...

They would've probably never noticed him if her dad hadn't invited him and his parents to a family dinner "to meet my excellent relatives and children." They were friends from work, "He's magnificent at his job!" And apperantly, somewhat related to Bella's family. You know, all those pure blood families...

Gramwell sat at the other end of the table, looking almost fondly at the people around him. Sirius sat by his mother. Bella laid her eyes on his dad. Could it be... Was that the reason he spent his time looking through those books? Was he the one to come up with the dinner idea?

Was he trying to shape his nieces' future already, intentionly putting his own son's aside?


	4. A Familiar Game

_Okay, so I started reading fics..._

 _Once in a while I go here and search for something I'd like to read. I'm pretty bossy when it comes to, well, what other people do with characters I love, and every time I found any lines I liked, they turned into something I wouldn't "approve" of. I might grew up to be wiser, because now, I found two stories I really enjoy reading: "A Badgers Champion" and "Harry Age 8." Look them up! Of course, I'm only now getting to know them, I do hope I'll keep on loving them..._

 _I'm still traumatized by a story I found last year, about James being raped by Sirius's dad... (whoever that wrote that, I have no idea if it's good or not, don't be offended, it just really freaked me out for a sec. It was probably then that I realized how far can fanfiction go..._

 _Maybe I should try to find it again...?_

Her hands clasped the stern metal grates of her cell. She imagined she could hear his breathing- they were located afar from each other, but not too far. Or yet, far enough? A glimpse of his grey face marked the day she came here. One hollowed gasp of, agony that was heard through and through the floors of the haunted fortress, still pierced her night's sleep. Was it night when she fell asleep in prison, and day as she awoke? Bellatrix had no idea. In the long, long, endless time she had to fill, nothing to help her but her own thoughts, the years in which her soul still had a touch, a grasp to life, blocked away anything else.

How cruel, cruel and heartless was Gramwell. All his boldness, his short vision and carelessnes showed themselve bare to Bella. He didn't realize- perhaps he did and just didn't care- that by pushing, and distancing his son away, he did the opposite of helping the family. He had torn it appart. Nourished the hatred, the darkness which eventually, brought them down and turned their glorious legacy to a rhyme of isolation.

After that Christmas, there was no more talking-in-the-halls or exchanging looks at dinner. Sirius utterly ignored her, denied their history. He boiled with red passion, while she dived in green coolness. Except that day in February, when she found him and Andromeda laughing on the way to class, walking past her as if she was only a detested Slytherine and nothing more.

The more she grew tough and diamond-still, the more Narcissa turned thinner and more fragile, like glass. She resembled a straw at every opportunity they bumped into their cousin, between lessons, at the Great Hall, in lessons which they had to share. Bella couldn't deal with her feebleness. It brought up her own.

"Stop staring after them like they've abandoned you," she bursted at her sister, who looked brokenly back at Sirius after Magical History. "I don't know how d'you manage to look so much like a fish, but you do. Just **stop**."

Cissy turned to face her, her eyes trembling, not exactly settling on where to look. "I-I just- it's so unfair-"

"See, life isn't fair. Deal." Then she sailed forward, hands clenched to fists by her sides.

If only Sirius wouldn't treat them as if they were unreliable, unworthy people. If only he would show a sign of affection, a light nod, maybe, a smile, a "hello"...

She didn't understand it. Yes, they weren't all smiley, giggley cousins, and yes, his family treated him like he was dying of a contagious disease, but she wasn't like them. She and Cissy… they were just dazed…

"I guess I kind of act meanly around him," she thought, watching the golden-red flags swaying at the other end of the quidditch field. "I bet he thinks I dissaprove of him, too."

Well, she did, right?

Did it really matter?

A foot appeared next to her. Then another one. Then, with a ruslte, a black cloak settled by her side.

She lifted her face to find his bright, childish face.

What a smirk…

"Looking for someone?" he teased, grinning in self-satisfaction. She tempted to answer sharply, but… But she couldn't blow this chance…

"For the players, maybe?" she answered, not half as mocking as she would usually be, "It's why we're here, right?"

His smile widened. "Right. Annnnd, are the players coming from the Gryffindor seats?"

"They might as well…" she lowered her voice. "How are you doing?"

"Ummm…" his face clouded for a moment. "I'm fine, Bella. The friends here take a bigger part in my life than people back home. You're sort of the person to remind me what's shitty 'bout being The Noble One." He put his chin on his knuckles, elbows set over his knees, gaze hung on the field.

"That… isn't very nice to hear." Bella couldn't prevent herself from revealing some hurt. "I don't think you're bad now, or really changed, you know. You're still an ass."

"Ha! I knew you'd say that!" he looked around them quickly. "Where's Cissy?"

"Sitting with her slightly more male-ish reflection over there," she sighed and pointed with her finger. "So, will you stop acting like I offended you or something?"

"Would you stop becoming dad every time I'm there?" he retorted, half bitterly.

"Wha- I'm _not_ being like your dad, ever. Where d'you get that from?"

He streched idly. "You look like a severe, patronizing, flouting head, looking in my direction."

She snorted. "I don't, never will, and I really truly don't try to look that way, believe me." Her voice dropped again. "I like you as much as ever. Which is not much, but you're the one making it awkward between us!"

"Okay. Lets finish with this- No flouting, creepy heads and no awkwardness, yes? I mean, 'till we kick your asses in this game…" He smiled at her viciously, then flew away (not litterally, he couldn't, of course).

She hoped his team will lose.

She desparately hoped his smile would disappear from her vision.


	5. A Settling

_Hi,_

 _It took me a while to write this little chapter. I have a great issue of failing to build up plots, which was one of the many reasons I began fanfiction. I did manage to come up with a few moments or ideas that can roll the story, and I do have an idea of where this is all heading, but I can't find the page on which I summed up my ideas. Strangely, I can't remember them, dig them from my memory..._

 _So here's a settling of the current events, and a way to move on:_

Sometimes life doesn't include awful events. Which tie everything together, casting aside all previous happenings, pushing all known facts away to replace those familiar long corridors with sharp, unexpected corners.

Life kept on being, and Bella wasn't exactly satisfied with it, yet she felt pretty happy most of the time. It was her childhood, her early girlhood, and there was so much in it to expirience.

It was a nice year, followed by a problematic summer. Not too hard, just complicated. It meant a few long months at home, with a family that wasn't quite approving of Sirius's future, unchangeable as it was. Bellatrix could sense Sirius's reservation. It wasn't, somehow, the right home for him to come to.

"But this _is_ his home," she thought angrily, "What other home does he have to come back to?"

Well, apperantly, he had at least one other. He proved that to them five years later.

She tried to be supportive. Ask for his presence. Require him to come out of his shell of vanity and solitude. After a while, he had noticed her efforts, and shut her out. As if he thought he was her charity case, and refused to be that.

"Please come down for dinner,"

She was leaning against his door, head forth, palms pressed to the door. "Please, please don't be a git."

"Please, please leave me alone," he mimicked her tone, "Stop patronizing!"

"Stop being a spoiled little kid!"

"I thought you liked me!"

"Don't have many reasons to!"

She slammed the door, then breathed flatly, cooling her temper. "Sirius, you can't turn your back to us and expect things to go on fine. If you want to keep this family together, the least you can do is behave yourself."

Silence.

"Do you…" She couldn't believe she was saying that, "Do you _want_ to keep us together?"

The door opened suddenly, too suddenly. Sirius stepped back quickly as his cousin fell forward, blalncing herself with the doorpost. He pulled her into the room. "I don't have an answer for that."

Removing her hair out of her mouth, she tried to acknowledge his words. "You mean…"

"I don't mean anything." He threw himself on the bed. "I do want you to stop being nice, 'cause it creeps me out, 'cause that's not you, and not your job to take care of me."

"Wait, Sir, but is it true? Don't you want our family to hold together?"

"I don't really, err, _serious_ ly!" She grinned at the unconcious pun. "Hey- don't smile! Do you even think I mean anything to them?"

That made her stop smiling. "If you didn't, asshole, they wouldn't be so upset about you 'betraying' the house…"

"Oh." He considered what she said for a moment, and all the spirit seemed to blow out of him. "That's the wrong kind of caring," he mumbled at last. "It's making me their problem, nothing more."

Silence.

She sat down beside him.

She patted his shoulder.

Then stood up gently, gentlier than she ever did. "I must have been the scariest baby," she thought, "My first word was obviously NO!"

"I think you can try and be more than their problem, if you believe that's what you are," her voice sounded strange, "But I don't agree with you. You're their son, they have to love you, no conditions matter. They were always your parents, remember that."

Then she walked out of the room.

He walked down the stairs slowly, and with his head down, sat by the dinner table.

His head didn't remain down for long. It never did.


	6. In Hogsmeade

_I wanted to put a little acknowledgment up here... I want to thank my beloved friend who betas all this, and who makes life a whole lot better._

 _Thanks!_

By the time Bella was fifteen, the stiff, cautious atmosphere of the family became something of a norm. The Blacks didn't want to cause explosions, so they… crusted. The air in the house seemed thicker, all their gestures turned to slow motion. Instead of causing explosions, they carefully and delicately gave Sirius daily little stabs. Because of that, he turned more and more anxious and wretched in relation to them.

Bellatrix suffered from those stabs, too.

She felt helpless and constantly mistreated. But then, she also felt like _she_ was mistreating someone, somehow. She felt rough all over.

So she became rough all over.

It was painful to watch Sirius growing into a brilliant, courageous boy, and to be reminded every day that she was a part of his family. Family, to him, was the bunch of people he put together under the category of 'devestating,' and 'blaming.' She found herself wishing not to be his family. Maybe that was how _it_ began.

Technically, it began the first time he was permitted to go to Hogsmeade.

It was Sirius's first time in the villiage. "Strange," she thought when she realized that, "being such a rule-breaker, it's a miracle he hadn't already sneaked out there without permission."

Sirius's smirk flashed her vision, and she shook her head to get rid of it.

"Bella?" Narcissa asked, "are you okay?"

It made her bounce. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine," she looked over at her sister. "What were you saying?"

Cissy blushed- well, not deeply, she couldn't- still her face was shiny and baby pink. "Lucius had asked me to go out with him when we visit Hogsmeade," her voice vibrated with pleasure. "Would you believe that?"

"Oh," Bella's shoulders sagged. "Then who's gonna come with me?"

"You can ask any of our friends-"

"Naaah…" Bella didn't _like_ any of their friends. She just wasn't the friendly kind of person, and to her, all the "friends" she's got weren't alluring company. "I guess I can go alone," she said half-heartedly.

"Why won't you see about Sirius?" Narcissa suggested breezely. Bella froze.

"You kidding me? He probably has a herd of Gryffindors running there with him. First time, remember?"

"Oh, yeah…" Narcissa's voice faded away discreetedly, leaving Bella to face the paining heat in her stomach.

"Damnit…" She thought…

In the end, she went with a few mates who chattered happily all the way to the village, letting Bella walk along in comfortable silence. There _was_ a herd of young Gryffindors pushing past them by the gates, including Sirius, companied by his tiny friends. Well, they weren't as tiny anymore, her cousin almost reached her height, he'll probably be very tall, like his dad…

She couldn't help feeling a little lonesome when she eyed her sister and young Malfoy entering some sort of a pink tea shop, or when her friends parted from her to have something to drink at 'The Three Broomsticks Inn.' She didn't want to spend her time in a busy, humming place. For a short second she was tempted to visit 'Honeydukes' for some comfort, but as she went near it she saw a bunch of Hufflepuffs taking over the shop. It started bothering her, to be seing by the people as a lonely, pathetic girl- God, she hated the word pathetic- so her steps became faster, and her chin pointed to the sky.

That was how she bumped into a short, chubby boy, rushing, hysterical, down the street. Bellatrix thought she never before saw someone who looked so much like a rat as he did. She stopped his run with a long arm, looking down at him, "What in Merlin's name are you doing?"

"N- nothing," he mumbled weakly, then something fixed in his eyes and he took one step back. "You're Sirius's cousin!"

She frowned. "And?"

He huffed, "Oh, that's not good."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing!" he blurted sharply, "I need to find someone-"

"Does it have to do with my cousin?" A wave went through her. She barley listened to him as he said, "N-no!"

He was clearly terrified, and lying. "Where is he?" she said, and when he kept shaking quietly she gazed at him, mimicking Gramwell's stare, very conscious of her stern expression. "Tell me where he is," she spoke softly, "or I'll take out my wand."

"You- you c- can't," he whispered, and she knew she was winning.

"Yes I can, I don't see anyone around to stop me." They stood at the end of a quiet, empty alley, and her back faced the rest of it. She moved her hand toward her pocket, and he folded. "I-I need Remus, "he said, "You-your cousin is trying to b-brake into the 'Shriek-'" breath- "'Shrieking Shack.'"

"Gosh," she elbowed him on her way past him, "The guy just can't leave _anything_ in peace…" Not that the 'Shrieking Shack' was peaceful. Bella didn't hear about it untill her third year at Hogwarts. It was merely an abandoned house, left to its loneliness to the end of time. About two years ago a word started spreading around- that the place was haunted- no normal ghost dared to come near it. Bella never witnessed its horror, but she very much didn't want her little cousin to. She ran in the direction of the shack, wondering if it was of any use.

Merlin, what an idiot... He was surrounded by over excited third years, looking enthusiastically over at the glasses-wearing friend of his, what's his name, Potter. They both seemed way too pleased with themselves. They were about to cross the fence to the shack's grounds.

Bella was a lonely, black character in the hill. Sirius's noticed her very easily, and now he was pulling on Potter's sleave in a grim expression. "Jerk," Bella's inside shrinked, then went numb. "spoiled, vain, stupid jerk…"

He was starting to climb. Oh my God-

She finished her way with a few wide, hasty steps. "Really?" she said calmly, reaching for his arm, "you really going to do that now?"

"How's now any different from before?" He was arrogant enough to ask.

"Now I'm here. Get down, this place is dangerous."

"No it isn't!" He grinned as if he knew something she didn't. "Everyone just thinks it is."

"Whatever. They have reasons. Get down."

"What do you care?"

His question widened in her chest, emptying it suddenly. Because why did she care whether he put himself in a imaginary danger?

He was her cousin-

But did she care like that for his brother, Regulus? Or even for her own sister?

The vacuousness in her chest began giving her pain. But she thought she might have it for an answer.

Like the little fat boy, something fixed in his eyes. He probably got that answer, too.


	7. The Answer

_Hey..._

 _I haven't been writing for a long time, and publishing for even longer. There has been some troubles editing this stuff, since my friend is extremely busy, even more than I am, so this is a part of what I accomplished in the past... weeks?_

Her throat aching as in a noiseless scream, her stomach annihilating her existance in blank pain, Bellatrix turned from the crowd around her and made her way down the hill, feeling like little pieces of her fell behing her as she walked away. She stopped, breathless, in the corner of a narrow alley. The lighted windows of the houses were a proof to her that life was a lonely expirience.

She bent forward and threw up. She had to.

Salty tears sneaked into her mouth, which made her choke and cough. 'I have a feeling,' the sentence came to her head, 'that now he won't climb that damned fence.'

And it was back, rising in her, the misery, the desperation of that moment. Because what can you do with such reality? It bit her guts, burned her heart. It was unavoidable. Unchangable as it all was, all that happened, ever since the day Sirius stepped off that stool.

'Why did you do this, you cursed hat? What for!?' she screamed in silence, pinning her throat even harder. She had to get it out.

And there was no one…

She could never tell, never make it true with her words, never face it, live it, get over it. For how could she make it gone without giving it a name?

And he knew. She was sure of it, and it was the end to everything simple and nice related to her family. To Sirius. To some moments of sheer comfort.

"I need a drink." A witch with a purple cloak gazed at her strangely, and she realized that she has said it out loud. 'Get it together,' she warned herself, 'it's what you make of it.' She stretched carefully, brushing her hair to behind her shoulder, then spat to the ground. 'I'm gonna go find Cissy, _now_ ,' she thought, but then regreted the idea.

If someone had stood at the gate of Hogwarts not a long while afterwards, they would have seen Bella walking stiffly, resentfully scross the lawns, still a black, long figure in the middle of all the smoothe, pale surface of the winter.

What would you name that feeling of… falling, flopping and burning to the sight of a person?

Bella called it nothing. She refused to look at it in the eye.

She refused to do the same with Sirius, for a while.

Then she thought it only made it more untoleratable, and stopped.

She reminded herself of her dignity. Of her ability to froze emotions, of her negative qualities which now she thanked for. She reminded herself that she owed nothing to anybody, maybe but her parents and that ridiculous Dumbeldure, and decided to crust, like the rest of her family did, even more roughly. More suddenly.

She decided to put an end to it. And if not an end, than at least a severe, cold, endless gate to lock it as far from herself as possible.

'If I can't see it, I can't feel it,' she told herself, each time she entered the Great Hall.

It's hard for emotions to work that way.

Since her emotions wouldn't brake out, they broke in. Something inside Bella broke, leaving a sharp, beating pain in her, that never stopped.


	8. Worries

" _I_ think I would like to join them."

They were sitting in the Slytherin common room; Bellatrix, Cissy, Malfoy, Moory and Deon, with a few others, talking agressively about the subject of death eaters and the rising war.

"No, you know what?" Bellatrix raised her voice, "I would _love_ to join them! That's one of the greatest notions I could possibly possess, joining them."

"I agree, there is nothing more noble to do than that," said Malfoy in a quiet, silky voice. Bella looked at him fondly, then turned to a seventh year student who began speaking, "I believe that it's a mission of great importance, but some people are too weak to handle it."

Bella's nostrils whitened. "These people aren't worthy, then!"

Some of the students around her cheered. She looked at them proudly. "We should sacrifice ourselves and our needs in such times, when there's a chance to orgenize the world of magic. We should fight while we have the chance to!"

Her sister looked doubtful. "But how can we know that we're doing the right thing? What if- what if we ruin our families and future _and_ the world of magic, fighting it?"

Her words pressed into Bella's heart, begging to come in, yet she wouldn't let them. "Cissy, we could never win anything if we don't try to." She could never be cruel to her sister, only harsh, sometime. Narcissa always awakened some sort of softness in her, which Bella almost resented. "We won't ruin the world of magic, but fix it. We _have_ to fight for the things we believe in!"

"That's a stupid, unecessarly heroic answer," mumbled Narcissa under her breath, so nobody could hear her, and the discussion went on.

It was months after Bella's answer. She turned sixteen in may, and there were her OWLs to prepare for. Life seemed to be helping her forget. She was determined to get an O in all the subjects, and thought it more than possible. She was considered by all, including herself, a talented, skillful witch. Now, with a new goal- to join the terrifying Voldemort- she felt required to achieve impressive results.

It was only one time that the thought of Sirius's opinion on her decisions came to her mind.

'I won't let it stay. No, Merlin, he doesn't know anything. He's too busy causing trouble and looking handsome to pay attention.'

She then started thinking about his looks, and wanted to scream out of frustration.

'I don't have the patients to deal with myself…' That thought hurt her terribly.

Happiness, after all, was important to her.

Another subject caused her worry. Her sister and Malfoy have been dating for a long time- she didn't really believe they'd last that long when it started. Maybe it was because Malfoy looked like the most tiring, fire-less wizard Bella had ever seen. Maybe it was because he and Narcissa resembled eachother's looks way too much to be attracted to eachother. It was almost inappropriate.

Still, they lasted. Lucius was going to graduate next year, and it was clear, though never said, that Cissy wouldn't do well without him. Bella almost feared those years to come. Cissy was a year younger than herself, and it meant two years without Lucius, and one year without Bellatrix. Narcissa would be left alone.

Her sister never spoke of it, but Bella knew she expected Malfoy to marry her. He'd been by her side for so long, he had no option to leave. Yet he was older, and will come out to the world before Narcissa. He might find out that he wanted something else than his own reflection.

He'd might want something other than a mild, pale character of a girl. After all, Narcissa _was_ only a girl.

Bella knew the fire, the determination in her sister. Did Malfoy know it, too? Did Narcissa let him see the deepest, most impressive parts of her nature?

'My younger sister's love life troubles me more than my own,' thought Bella sarcastically as she walked the halls.

It wasn't even the worst part.

'That's because I don't _have_ a love life.'

It was her fault. She decided one day that it was her fault. All that happened. It was more bitter than the resentment or helplessness. It's easier to get over negative feelings towards the world, but resenting yourself- it's like coming back to the wrong answer again and again. It's like burning yourself alive.


End file.
